My own little world is not about me!!

I've always been in my own little bubble, not letting anyone inside. I was never one to share my feelings because it makes me feel so vulnerable. Even yesterday I opened and shared about a area in my life and almost immediately regretted it. I felt like I put myself on a cold metal slab for others to come and dissect and pick me apart! Opening up is still a struggle for me but with the Lord's help I have come far in letting people in. 

The first one to break through was my wonderful husband. He had so much patience and lovingly broke through bit by bit. I wouldn't communicate with him over anything, no madder how insignificant and it was tearing us apart. I so regret how long it took just to let him into my life but am so thankful that he didn't give up on me!! The first 2 years were the worst and hardest and I honestly had moments where I just wanted to give up. Thankfully the Lord and Jake didn't let me!


I know the Lord is working on me in other areas of my life now. To take the focus off myself and turn it to others. I've always been selfish with my time, my husband, and just very focused once again on my own little bubble. I loathed anything that took time away from my plans, especially things that took my husband away from me. If anyone knows my husband, he is the most giving man. He will do anything for anyone and help out wherever needed no madder what! He's always busy helping others. So this was a huge struggle for me over the years, to share him. I would get mad at him and think he was putting others needs before my own. Other peoples cars needed fixed, or house repairs done etc. and I would pout like a child! How appalling my behavior was. I soon began to see what a lucky woman I was and that he wasn't putting others before me. God has given my husband a very special ability...he can do all things!! Ha Ha. He knows all things, he fixes all things, if he doesn't know he figures it out! My husband was definitely not wasting his God given talents. He is a good example of Deuteronomy 16:17; Every man shall give as he is able, according to the blessing of the Lord thy God which he hath given thee.
 I wouldn't change who my husband is for the world. He is amazing and he shows Christ's love to those around him daily just in how he lives his life, unselfishly, and I admire him so much for it.

Bringing in the new year of 2011, instead of making a new year's resolution I was challenged to just pick one word of something I wanted to focus on that year or change about myself. I prayed about it and knew rather quickly what that word would be...Selfless! I was honestly scared to take this challenge, because I knew if I committed that God WOULD do a work in me and my bubble didn't like the thought! But I willingly took the challenge and asked God to change me and give me opportunities to serve others and that he did! It was especially hard for me to get involved with the teen ministry at church. Teens aren't my area of expertise, but when I took the focus off how the activities were butting into my life and how these kids just frustrated me over stupid things and instead looked at these precious lives in front of me, I was able to see what a gift God had given me. He was allowing me to be a part of their life. Someone they could hopefully look up to, someone to help mold and teach them and set an example for. Wow! I couldn't grasp that I was where God wanted to me, that he wanted to use me in their lives somehow someway. I feel unworthy of this task because I'm still not where God wants me to be in many areas of my life. But the cool thing is, that God will use me with what I have to offer in this moment, only if I am willing. And slowly it wasn't me changing those teens, but those teens were changing me. Somehow, they made me love them, Ha Ha! Even with all their weirdness and annoying things they did. They have and continue to capture my heart. I hope and pray that God continues to use me and that it will make a difference, no madder how small. They have been a blessing to my life!


I've taken other opportunities with my church to help in the community. Serving food at the homeless shelter. Making food for families in need (this one is huge because I hate cooking) I don't think they enjoyed my meal very much but it was the thought that counted :) I even bought a homeless man lunch at McDonald's!! May not seem like a big deal to most of you to do these things but in my world, these things put me way out of my comfort zone!! 


Wow! This is really long, maybe I need to contain my bubble a little more :)

This all may have come off like I'm bragging about stuff but honestly, I'm ashamed! I've been a selfish miserable person in the past and this isn't the worst of it. The one person that should have been in my bubble my whole life, I made a point to keep far away...My Lord and Savior! The one who suffered and died for my sins. How dare I keep him out. 


I made a profession of faith when I was very young, but it wasn't genuine which I later realized but ignored! I knew I wasn't saved, that if I died I would be in hell and I had the answer to fix it. He was right in front of me calling me by name. And I ignored him. Some of you can't grasp why I wouldn't go running to Him, but that just goes to show you how stubborn and selfish I really was. I was a teenager, I was the preacher's daughter and I was too afraid what others would think of me. That the preacher's daughter had been an imposter all these years! How pathetic I was.  

I was constantly afraid of death or the rapture taking place and I would be left behind. I fought this for months maybe even more than a year. Thankfully God never gave up on me and I did let him into my heart. He loves me so much and I am so undeserving of his love and his precious gift!


I can't believe how much God has blessed me and where he has brought me. I still struggle excepting how much he loves me and why? I'm a dirty rotten sinner that locked him away for years. Even after I excepted him I kept him at a distance. It hasn't been until the last few years that I have really started letting my walls down. A lot of thanks goes to my church. My pastor and his wife especially. My pastor has preached many messages and I feel like they are for my ears only. His wife has become a very close and dear friend. I love and have so much respect for her. For the stand she has taken in her life for Christ. I wish that I could have had the same commitment as a teenager that she had in living her life for Christ! These two have had a huge impact on where I am in my spiritual walk today. My church family has even snuck their way into my bubble. I've never been a social person but I love these people in my church dearly and look forward to the time I get to spend with them.


I wish that I would have done many things differently concerning this bubble of mine, but I guess it has made me into who I am today. A girl that can't shut-up and speaks her mind....not always a good thing. Ha Ha!


I hope that this will encourage someone to let down your barriers and let people into your life, because God just might have a whole new world waiting for you! It's miserable being alone in your little bubble, but I also know how scary it is to let others into it. But you're missing out on all the blessings God has waiting for you. Most importantly, don't keep God out of your bubble. God loves you so much, he sent his son to die for you, how dare we ignore what he did for us and not give our life to him in return. And if you have accepted Christ in your life, don't keep him at a distance. Let him pop that bubble wide open to shape and mold you, you won't regret it!


I leave you with a line from Matthew West's song that has had a huge impact on breaking my bubble. I made this my prayer last year and keep it close to my heart!

"Father break my heart for what breaks yours. Give me open hands and open doors. Put your light in my eyes and let me see that my own little world is not about me."